What is your definition of self love? Would it be a weekly mani-pedi or reading a book with a glass of wine ? Would you define your self love as taking time to get in touch with your inner self ? Asking yourself tough questions and having to admit at loud your feelings and thoughts?
Maybe having to realize it’s time to look for a different job or having to cut certain relationships including – friendships, family or personal ones that have become toxic for you. Could it be taking your first step into your future a goal you want to reach but are too afraid to make the first move. Or maybe you don’t know where to start and have absolutely no idea what self love is.
Self love is not easy to obtain, magazines will give you their top 10 ways to achieve self love or quizzes online will convince you it’s time for a new hair cut or how to find the perfect boyfriend. One thing I can tell you is that magazines and quizzes can’t teach you self love because it’s up to YOU to figure what YOUR self love is. There’s no easy way to figuring it out, you have to get dirty and real with yourself. Growing up I didn’t understand what self love was I thought it was about having all the confidence in a room full of “pretty” girls. I thought if I “acted” like I belong maybe I did. I was afraid to be alone, my thoughts would consume me, and being honest with myself was brutal. It meant I had to answer the questions that would linger in my head.
“Will I ever be enough?”
“Do they love me?”
“Am I pretty?”
Do I belong?”
“…I don’t love myself”
“I wish I could be someone more prettier”
“On the scale from 1-10 definitely a 7”
I could keep on going, but I think you got the point maybe you have thoughts about yourself, and are too afraid to say them out loud because you know when you do, you won’t be able to fake it anymore. I had to do some digging to find out the core of my questions and where they came from. I wanted a quick fix and if I didn’t love my self maybe if someone would that was enough.
Series of unfortunate events led me to learn about myself and what self love was. I had no Idea how much damage I was allowing people to do in my life. In my journey to self love I allowed people to step all over me, keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself believing that it didn’t matter that I didn’t matter! I followed people into the depths of hell to feel love when all reality I left burnt and with more bruises. I figured out the core to having all those heavy thoughts on how I believed I was unloveable and that I was never going to be good enough.
What came to my understating is, I believed my father choosing himself before his family made me believe I was not good enough. Who would want to be with someone whom their own father didn’t choose to be with. I chose to give my self to people that resembled my father. The ones that used me, until there was no more of me left. The ones that chose others above me and the ones that spoke ill behind my back because I knew the outcome, and the hurt that would come.
Dealing with pain isn’t easy, who wants to sit down and think about pain, past traumas, and emotional situations that still cut deep. Yet the worst pain of them all is having to forgive the people that hurt you the most. The ones that said they would be there for you, the ones that held no judgements towards you, and the ones that promise to never give up on you. Still they ended up leaving when you needed them the most, they tore your heart leaving you with out an explanation.
Were you too much for them? When you opened up to them was it too much? You believed their words but their actions were different. They slowly started to push away and you knew it but instead of dealing with it you decided to pursue them even more, trying to hold on to them while they slid through your fingers. You were too late and the void they left allowed the pain you were so desperately trying to hide show it’s face. I couldn’t keep running from my brokenness and pain. I had to loose myself in order to start loving myself. I stepped away from the spotlight and social media to get to know myself, not the person I portrayed to be.
It took me months of solidarity to start forgiving myself. For things that were out of my hands. I still am, I have my good days and my bad days..why do we tear ourselves down to please people we don’t know. I spent the whole night yesterday on this app a lot of people talk about its called facetune. I didn’t know how easy it was to change your face and make it however you want, your nose, eyebrows, lips, eyes, and face structure. I was completely shocked with the version of myself I created. I flipped back and forth to the new and the original picture.
I could have gone into a hateful spiral of how much better I looked in the new version but if it wasn’t for what I went through in the past that I’m now stronger. I know my identity is not in the world but it’s in God and when I think I don’t belong I hear a whisper saying that “ I am his”. My self love comes from God and his daily reminders that I am beautiful , loved and whole. That void I tried filling with people and things were never going to be enough and only He could fill that hole. I recommend if you are new to self love I suggest digging down deep, getting to know yourself , what makes you, you and not what the world says about you. You might find yourself and this time don’t give up on the battle.
My Self love is
- Respecting your self
- Knowing your limits
- Choosing your self before others
- Understanding that you matter: thoughts, feelings and voice .
- It’s okay to say no
- No one will love you like you love yourself