In the beginning of the year, I was in a depressive state; I felt unworthy and filthy from the choices I made a couple months before. I became enraged on how things turned out to be, not only with my job but also with my personal relationships. I distanced myself from my family and I already felt like the black sheep, the one who never gets things done, the one who can’t hold a job or finish school. Everyday I would fell less and less like myself and more like a zombie.
My room was my sanctuary, my safe haven, I could cry for hours into my pillow and not disturb the people around me, they’ve become my enemy… I felt afraid. My friends during that time were my connection to the outside world, we would feed each other the pain we felt, since that was the only feeling we had left in us. The days turned into weeks and weeks turned to months, my depression got stronger than me that I became crippled. I didn’t have much strength in me to leave my room, the world outside frightened me, after all the pain it caused me.
I would wake up, and immediately go on face-time with a friend of mine to only remember, trying to move on wasn’t an option. We lived in the past, since it felt better than the present. On one cold night I laid in bed looking at the clock it was 2:50 am trying to force myself to sleep, but I couldn’t. I decided to take out my journal from my night stand, and start to write. I felt a need to let it out, all the pain I was holding in, it came like vomit , I couldn’t stop.
I started to write to God, to lift this pain away to make me whole again. I did this for a couple of weeks, I asked him to give me a sisterhood, but a Godly sisterhood, girls that would uplift me, and pray for me when I needed. I asked God to give me back my confidence, and to heal me from my social anxiety , panic attack, and anxiety attacks, and my severe depression.
This might come to a surprise to a lot of you that know me, they probably saw the beautiful, happy, and funny Cece, the one that seem overly confident. That’s precisely it “SEEM” I knew how to put on an act, and make sure no one would be able to see what I was going through, the thoughts in my head would overwhelm me, and made believe I should stay hidden. Yet God had a plan and he knew what he was doing, a few days passed when I met Veronika at church. Veronika allowed me to open up with out being feeling judge. She made me understand how the enemy tries to isolate us with our thoughts and reminding us who were not, instead of who we are now.
The following Sunday I met Michelle, and Sammie through Veronika who both served as volunteers in the welcome lounge, it felt like fresh air. Real Christian women who genuinely care about people; later that day I felt over joyed with my prayer being answered. Felt I had a sisterhood, they didn’t feed my mind or heart with negativity, but filled me with love, peace and happiness feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time. I slowly started to see change in my life, I felt each day less and less like a zombie..
There’s a part two called ” Bound 2″