“When will this feeling stop?
Maybe I have to dress and act different.
Go out more, meet new people.
Do anything to make these feelings stop.”
I remembered having those thoughts in my head, the ones that make you think you’re going crazy. The ones you want to keep in a locked box and throw the key away. I’ve seen to many movies of “crazy” people being kept away in a nut house. Maybe I belonged there, but what would my family think, my friends and church.
I don’t want to be seen different, I just want to blend in, but I can’t keep living in my head. I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember. I didn’t want to be different, and instead I smiled.
I found my peace in booze and pain killers. I decided to go out more, and dress provocative, because that was normal..but at what cost. I got the rep as the crazy party girl, and I loved it because my disguise was working. No one could see the pain I was carrying, the dried up tears I left on my pillow at night.
The suicidal thoughts I would have at every second of the day, the many times I tried but failed.I would lay on the floor crying out to God , pleading to him to make the pain go away. I tried to sweep it under the rug to not deal with it or my feelings. I became numb to everything that was around me, nothing made me happy but booze and pain killers.
I remember drinking a bottle of wine on an empty stomach and finishing the bottle in my room with the lights off only to throw it up. In the mist my drunkenness I manged to clean it all up for my secrets to stay secrets.
” Fighting with depression is fighting a war you can’t win on your own. You can’t turn it off like a switch, and hope for the best, You can pretend life is getting better, you can pretend the fake smile, pretend to be normal. But you would rather be in your bed, and just sleep. They can’t see that you’re in pain, and can’t fake your smile or laugh anymore. I want to be happy feel normal, but I feel like I’m crumbling down.”